Too Far…

I am angry. And I am NOT an angry person. It is not my character or demeanor. This week the President and his Secretary of Education attacked our schools and this time they went too far.

We are going through a pandemic. While our COVID numbers continue to surge in places across the nation, states are being encouraged to reopen to get the economy going. We are being told we don’t need to wear masks and life can get back to normal. Life will never be back to normal; I realize that and most citizens understand that things have forever changed. I am okay with that reality, as hard as it is, and I do what I need to do to keep myself safe and healthy. Yet I don’t feel our President has my best interests at heart. It is an election year, and money drives power, so let’s open everything up and put everyone at risk so the economy doesn’t suffer any longer.

Our Governor made decisions I didn’t understand or agree with, but I believe he did what was in the best interest of Virginians. As a doctor, he understood more than most of us that this wasn’t just a simple virus. He closed schools suddenly, and like most of my colleagues, I was emotional and surprised by his decision. Yet in the end, I came to understand the seriousness of the pandemic and was grateful for his decision. He kept my students and all of us who work with them safer. Virginia’s numbers remained lower than other states that did not quarantine as quickly.

I am a teacher. I love teaching. It’s what I do because there is nothing more amazing than helping a child realize their own potential and worth in this world. In March, teaching changed forever. I am proud of how I challenged myself in new ways and rose above the outside challenges that I had no control over. And trust me, there were a lot of unknowns and hurdles when we shifted to virtual learning. But still I persevered and even thrived despite the COVID Chaos.

The President’s threat to cut federal funding if schools did not reopen was a political move. It is an attack to defund our public schools and destroy them one school system at a time. Ordering all schools to have full time, in person classes demonstrates their lack of concern for our students and school employees. They know the risks. The risks have been outlined by the CDC, which is grounded in science and research. There is so much about COVID we still don’t know or understand, so why are we putting our kids and school employees at risk?

DeVos is no better. She has not supported our students or their learning since taking her post in 2017. She never went to public schools, nor did her children. She never taught at a public school and yet we are supposed to trust her when she proclaims students need to be in school for their well being. As an educator who has been teaching for 25 years, I don’t put too much trust in her opinions, which don’t have the kids best interests at heart.

YES… children need socialization with peers and caring adults. NO…Virtual teaching will never replace the magic that happens in a classroom with a caring, loving adult. However, there are realities no one on the President’s panel addressed this week. School will never be the same. Students will not be laughing, hugging friends, or socializing the way it was before COVID. Students will not collaborate with peers or engage with their teacher the way it was before COVID. School employees will not be able to hug, high five, or support students in the ways that they did before COVID. School is forever changed.

In fact, I worry that we will spend more time in school reminding students to stay at their desks, keep their masks on, and stay away from the very people they need social contact with and that there will be a lot less learning and more programming of students. Students will be expected to be like robots. Desks in rows. Facing forward. Six feet apart. No collaborative learning in class. How do they benefit? What are the ramifications to children’s well being in this environment? Is our children’s new reality in school really the best thing for them?

Virtual learning definitely has its challenges. It is not the ideal learning environment. Yet our new in school reality is far more concerning. Safety should be the priority. Everyone’s safety. No educator or school employee should have to choose between their own safety and their students’ learning.

To criticize what you don’t understand is a dishonest proclamation. To advocate schools opening up without a real plan or providing support to school systems is just pontificating. To call out a school system and call them a disaster without experiencing the challenges of that school system is unwarranted. And to carelessly put children and school employees at risk when you are worried about your political career is going too far.

To all my friends…

My heart won this argument. So I am taking a chance to share what is in my heart and on my mind.

To my all of my friends… I have been listening, watching, and taking your comments and feelings to heart! I haven’t posted anything about George Floyd’s death or the events that have unraveled before our eyes until now. I wanted to write a social media post but my gut and heart both said to shut up. What do I know about being black? What could I possibly say that would change people’s minds? Or heal the deep wounds that have been inflicted on people of color for centuries? Yet I don’t want my silence to be misread as lack of care or anger as to what is happening in our nation.

I will not pretend that I understand the depth of the pain or trauma black people and people of color have experienced, but I am here to listen and to learn. I will not proclaim that I have a solution to the systemic racism that is rabid in our country but I want to do something more than be a bystander who isn’t racist. I will not argue with people who’s minds are narrow and ugly but I will teach my students that until you have lived in another person’s skin you shouldn’t judge them. I will teach them to embrace the stories and experiences of others in order to be open-minded and empathetic.

I know one thing for sure… we can no longer be color blind. I have seen people post they will never see color… I was raised that way too… My parents taught me to love and respect everyone no matter their race, circumstances, or background. A few years ago, I sat in a room with men and women of all different races and backgrounds and talked about racism. They taught me by sharing their personal experiences. All of us need to understand that unless we recognize color… we don’t really see the whole person. We can’t understand who they are or what life is truly like for them in America.

Their honesty and stories remain with me till this day… I see you my friends. My heart aches for all you have suffered. The fear you feel every day is unjust and I hear your voices in my heart and my head. Sometimes the voices are so loud I want to scream or kick something because the America I live in is not the same for all citizens. I understand your anger as much as a women who is white can.

This is NOT the country we pretend it to be. It is not filled with liberty and justice for all. Instead it is filled with fear and hate for people who are different than me. I don’t always know what to say or do, but I am learning. We all need to learn, ask questions, and speak up when we see an injustice in order to be better humans.

Being uncomfortable and having honest conversations can begin to change things but only if we are recognizing our own fears and biases. Talking about race is hard but it is necessary. We need to listen more, reflect, process, and look in the mirror. We can’t be part of the solution if we are doing all the talking. That’s why I waited so long to share my thoughts. But to all my friends who don’t have the same privileges as I do, I want you to know that I see you, I hear you, and I am here with you.

Pandemic or Opportunity??

As I sit at my desk, I contemplate if writing this will make a difference or if it is a waste of time.  Honestly… even if no one reads this, at least I will have had the opportunity to clear my head and share some positivity in this time of uncertainty and fear.

I am an elementary public school teacher and  I love my students.  I give them hugs, high fives, and fist bumps when I see them.  I miss them.  But I am grateful to be home in a controlled environment.  And I hope that they are in a safe environment too because their safety means the world to me!

While I have autoimmune issues and am at risk for having complications should I get COVID 19,  I am choosing to stay positive and not live in fear.  I am taking precautions and other than doctor visits and groceries… I am pretty much staying at home.   While anxiety has crept in from time to time, I am taking the time to self-care like I have never done before.  (Teachers aren’t very good at this…but  I am practicing yoga, cleaning, walking, creating art, reflecting, taking time to care for myself, and checking in with loved ones.)

The unknown is scary.  How long will this last? Will we get sick?  How will this affect my life? Will my students be okay?  Will my family members be okay?  How will this affect the county, state, and nation?  Financially, will we be alright?

I don’t know.  No one does.  But what I do know is that we ARE all in this together.  We will ALL be affected in some way- some more than others. AND we need to be kind- to each other and to ourselves.  Remember no one person can thrive alone. We really do need each other. And most importantly, our mindset is how we will get through this either negatively or positively.

Back to our kids…. Children need us to model the positive… even if we are scared to death of the worst.  But they also need us to be honest that we feel unnerved.  I am not saying sugar coat things… but be honest and believe.

Believe that everything happens for a reason and it is possible to find some positives in the negative.  I am worried, but I choose to focus on my blessings.  I am fearful that I have been exposed, but I choose to act in ways that keep me and others safe.  I feel sad we have to go through this as humans, but maybe it is a reset for how we treat others and show kindness.

I choose to be cheerful.  I choose to be the light for others- through social media.  I choose to relish the time I have at home as not everyone has the blessing to stay home.  I feel blessed to have food and necessities during a time when others are panicking and hoarding or have very little.  We can’t really know what others face. But we can ask. We can listen and we can try to understand through empathy.

We can teach our youth to do the same.  This can be a pandemic and an opportunity for growth.  This time may be filled with the most important life lessons your kids will ever learn.  How will you nurture and calm yourself, your family, and most importantly our kids in this time of uncertainty?  How will you show compassion and kindness toward others?  Will you be the change we have wished to see in the world??

 

My 47th Wish

This month I turned 47… and like many birthdays I woke up counting my blessings. Yet, unlike many years before, my mindset about how I should live the next year was quite different. My birthday wish had changed too…

For so long I wished for things for other people… for many years I wished for better health for my Mom. I wished for my Dad to get a new truck that ran without daily repairs and a job that paid better without such laborious long hours. I wished for them to have enough money to pay their bills and my Mom’s medical bills. I wanted them to have enough food to fill their bellies. And I wished for them to get along together as they constantly fought.

For my sister, I wished for her to see her own worth and accept nothing less than genuine love. I wanted her dreams to come true no matter if they were big or small. I wanted her to feel her heart filled with passion and experience her hard work pay off.

Wishes for me were always about losing weight to be accepted by others, and feel better about myself. I wished to meet all the big goals that I had set for myself that were intended to prove to others I was an accomplished educator and a professional who could do it all. I was always searching for acceptance to feel like I was enough to someone.

For forty-six years my wishes weren’t vain, selfish, or materialistic ( except maybe when I was younger and loved unicorns, bikes, and barbies) but many of my wishes were wasted on misguided perceptions of how the world should work. I mean a simple wish should change the world, right?!

Wrong. Wishes don’t change things… actions do! And my 46th trip around the sun has taught me a lot – the hard way.

Last year was filled with chronic illnesses that could not be identified or understood by some of the best doctors in my region. My troubles actually started over two years ago, but spiraled quickly out of control this past year. I was sick more often than not… with extreme bouts of fatigue. Never ending stomach pain, cramping, nausea, and diarrhea that gave no warning it was coming. Vomiting. Rashes and flushing. Aches and pains like I had been in my 80’s. Day to day I didn’t know what to expect next. My whole life changed and in ways that made me feel hopeless for awhile.

I had people who judged me – who didn’t take me seriously or thought I was just faking it. I had to drastically change my eating habits, my sleeping habits, and my daily routines. Seeing doctors became regular…. and I had more tests than I can remember or name. All would be negative… no signs of Crohn’s, colitis, gall bladder disease, thyroid issues. Two colonoscopies in a year…. four stool tests in six months, endoscopy, etc…. In the mix they did find cryptosporidium but after treatment only some of my issues were resolved…. the explosive, temperamental gastro issues still linger.

Finally, they gave me a med this summer that has slowed down the over active intestines that can wreck havoc on a perfectly good day. So instead of everyday being totally washed I get some really good days intermixed with the bad.

I have changed my diet drastically- no gluten, corn, beef, garlic, onions, beans, etc…. I have also changed my outlook… I may never find an answer but I won’t stop trying to find a solution that works better than what I have. I may have moments I feel horrible, but I will find a reason to laugh and to count my blessings. I will not allow a chronic illness defeat me or kill my spirit. I will live life as fully as I possibly can, knowing some days I will fly and others I just might need to be grounded to remember that I am only human.

My wish is simple for my 47th birthday- Have a full life! To feel alive I must do the things I am passionate about and spend time with those who love me, make me laugh, and stand beside me in good and tough times. My mindset is focused on love, peace, creativity, and self- care. I plan to celebrate love, practice self-care, continue to make healthy choices, and do the things that bring me joy. This year my birthday wish will be actions I can control and challenges I can change for a better trip around the sun. I hold all the keys to have love, peace, creativity, and self- care in my life! And it’s about time that I finally realized that I am enough….

Stacked Deck…

As a child, the cards were stacked against me.

Public schools are what helped me rise above the poverty, abuse, and other struggles in my family.  Education saved me from being another statistic… I broke the cycle.  But I often find myself pondering if education can save our kids today?  They face greater challenges in a world that often seems colder, uncaring, and cruel.

Our classrooms are sometimes the only place kids feel safe and part of a community.  In my classroom, I experience miracles everyday but feel heartaches too!   We are given the opportunity to impact the lives of so many (about 600 students in my case).  But are we given the resources we need to be successful?

Many of our kids are in a state of crisis daily.  They need so much more than I alone can provide.  Some are hungry. Some are homeless. Some are abused. Some have broken homes with families that just can’t find peace.

There are times I feel helpless as I see a child struggle in my class.  As they melt down and escalate in crisis, I feel my heartbreaking knowing this is bigger than me. Still I reflect on what I could do differently or try to make them feel safer and happier.  Our kids deserve better… they deserve more.

Is the answer smaller class sizes?  Could we benefit from more counselors in our schools?  Can we do better in training our educators? YES to all… but also… We need our education system to change.  Our kids are still being asked to take on more responsibilities and grow up before their time.  We would benefit for more social workers and psychiatrists to support families who are struggling financially, emotionally, and physically.  And really… we need to consider an educator’s well being too.  We see and experience more than people realize. It takes a toll on the heart and one’s state of mind.

I find myself in a civil war internally.  How much do I give of myself and still have some resemblance of balance?  How do I ensure curriculum standards are being met when so much more is at stake with our students’ well being?

I am not a statistic. I have taught for 23 years… but I am never surprised when another young colleague leaves the profession within 5 years.  The cards are stacked against all of us as educators. We fight for what we know is right for students… but often we are met with a system that just isn’t ready to change.  I don’t believe the system is broken… it’s just not evolving as fast as our kids and educators need it too.   And if we want to impact  our students’ lives now… we need the resources to stack the deck in their favor!

 

 

 

Humanity

My heart hurts for humanity.

 

Once again, our realities of hatred and intolerance come to the surface in our nation.  Another political leader we hoped would make a difference, can no longer influence anyone after pictures of his racist past come to light.  Our trust and his credibility broken … and rightfully so.

Who are we?  Who can we trust? What are we teaching our children?

These are questions I often ask out loud, but feel that no one can answer honestly without taking sides or throwing daggers.  This isn’t a left vs right issue.  This isn’t about liberal or conservative views.

This is about our beliefs as a human race. Our perception of right and wrong.  Perceptions get in the way of making decisions that lift us up as a society or dehumanize one another.  Free will empowers us to give back to the community or to hurt one another and justify our actions based on our beliefs… I have struggled with understanding free will my whole life.

Personally, I believe that no matter who does it… discrimination against an individual or group of people is unacceptable.  I believe that people can change and become better people… but own those wrongs and work to make them right -don’t hide them.  Yet,  blatant choices of hate is hard to forgive and forget.

Some hate mongers outwardly intimidate, discriminate, and attack others who are different than them. Then there are those who hide their intolerance and lack of empathy toward others behind public service.  How do we know who to trust?

More importantly, who do our kids look to as mentors, leaders, and symbols of what an ethical, global citizen should be?

How can we think globally when in our own country, hate still lives in the hearts of men and women?  Children are not born with hate in their hearts… it is taught.

And it’s time the adults realize that our actions – past and present – demonstrate our values and beliefs about humanity. They also have consequences for our nation and its children.

I am trying to keep faith that there is hope for our future.  I have to believe that love does overcome hate and there is more good in the world than bad… but today, we all need to reflect on our humanity and remember that while we can’t control the weather,  if we get sick, or we lose someone we love,,, we CAN control how we treat others.

Actions speak louder than words.  Choose kind.

 

 

The Danger of being Colorblind

Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I was taught to be colorblind. We did not live in a diverse community in WV, but our neighbors across the river in MD were quite different with a large population of Black community members. My parents believed that we should never judge someone by the color of their skin or what they may or may not possess. Character is what we were taught that mattered. Therefore I didn’t see race, ethnicity, or color as a barrier to friendship or even sharing the same community. So I couldn’t understand the division and tension among the white and black communities across the river.

Looking back, my parents had the best intentions to help my sister and myself be more accepting of others who were different than us. But not seeing a person for all their beauty- including their color, race, or ethnicity is a dangerous road to travel. It has taken me many years of conversations and relationships with people of color to understand that when we don’t see color- we don’t honor the whole person. Instead we erase an important part of that person’s identity and their experience in the world.

You see, the color of someone’s skin directly connects to how they experience the world. It determines how people are seen and often how they are treated. I was naive to think color didn’t matter. Since I have sought out training on cultural proficiency and understanding my role as a teacher in supporting the way students see the world and each other.

Teaching such a diverse population, I used to think culturally sound curriculum included teaching concrete, visible characteristics of culture like celebrations, holidays, foods, clothing, etc. to students so they could learn about other cultures… Yet this is just the surface of culture, and these characteristics of culture change over time.

Deep culture relates to a group’s world views, family structure, belief system, etc. These are deeply embedded into a person or group’s way of life and drive strong emotions. They are characteristics of a person that often aren’t discussed or understood because our implicit biases. Based on the surface of their culture, our biases often get in the way of us getting to know someone completely. This often breeds fear and even hate against groups of people who may have different beliefs and values. This is why building a safe community within the classroom where relationships are a focus is so important.

My aha moment today, however, is this…. when we begin to look at deep culture we can begin to find commonalities among groups of people who on the surface seem to be polar opposites. Maybe this is why I find diversity and culture beautiful. I have always tried to find commonalities with people I meet but I am also fascinated by the differences that make us who we are individually.

If culture is how the brain interacts with the world, than we must understand students’ culture before they can fully engage and be independent learners. Relationships must be a priority to understand what they need from us as educators and their instruction to succeed. Unfortunately our education systems aren’t focused on this so we must be the advocates who ensure the old system evolves into what every kid needs now! We must be the change we want to see in the world.

The Factory

Have you ever seen the clip from I love Lucy where she is trying to keep up with the conveyer belt in the chocolate factory?  It may seem pretty funny at first… until you realize you are Lucy and the chocolate factory represents the system in which you work.  Then you realize the chocolates on the conveyer belt represent the workload and no matter how hard you try to keep up with the pace, the workload continues to increase, and no one notices you are drowning so they speed up the required pace.

This is my reality.  I have been teaching 23 years and I feel like I am drowning.  My schedule feels like a sprint every day with back to back classes, no transition time, and no planning until the end of the day.    I do have good planning one day a week but the other days I don’t know sometimes if I am going to make it to the end of the day.

The sad part is, I am not alone.  I have never seen so many defeated, overwhelmed, exhausted educators.

To understand, you must spend a day with an teacher that is with students for 3-4 hours without a single break.  Or a specialist who is seeing 100-200 kids in that timeframe.  The system says it cares about the well being of students and staff, yet provides no time for self-care, reflection, or even a chance to catch one’s breath.

If I seem like I am whining, I am not. I invite anyone into my classroom to share the workload and then go home to see how productive or attentive they are to their loved ones, housework, or even self-care.  I can’t be a good teacher if I am not rested, reflective, and respected.  I can’t be a good teacher if I don’t have time to collaborate, connect, and build relationships with colleagues, parents, and my students.

I want to be a good teacher but with the current culture, can any educator be expected to thrive when there is no time to breathe?  You see each “chocolate” could be seen as professional responsibilities and/or students.  So many professional responsibilities that overshadow planning and preparing for students. And for those students who escape my grasp, they will never be prepared for what comes next.

Teaching in a World Filled with Fear

“I can’t protect my students from the fear they may feel because of goings-on in the outside world, but in my classroom, I can create an inclusive environment for them to ask questions, be who they are, and understand that there is strength in diversity.”

This blog was the most challenging blog I have ever written!  Check out my EdWeek blog.

 

Reflections from the floor….

As I pulled away from the gate last Friday at Logan International, my mind raced as I reflected on my 10 days in Boston. The laughter, serious debates, joyful celebrations, bonding, and reflective learning are just a few things that cross my mind as I look back at our 2017 NEA Representative Assembly.

This year’s RA was like many others in that we were inspired to take action, frustrated by our current realities within our profession and our schools, and challenged by our colleagues to understand perspectives and points of view different than our own. We were reminded of our vulnerability as individuals but our strength as individuals to make a difference together and that in unity we find our greatest strength.

What brings 10,000 educators to one place for long 11-12+ hour days?  Children. Public Education. AND… the Belief that All Children, regardless of race, ethnicity, economic status, beliefs, and abilities should be welcomed at a great public school that is funded to meet ALL their needs!!  Since my first RA in 2003, I have missed just a few annual meetings. This work is so important and is reflective of my core!   At the NEA RA, thousands of other educators share the same passions and are there because they too want to roll up their sleeves and take on the big issues.

Some of the articles I read on the RA were not reflective of our collective work. We brought 159 new business items to the floor and through debating most of them at quite some length, determined the work of the NEA for the coming year.  We also had an in depth conversation and made decision about where we stand on Charter schools to develop a comprehensive policy statement.  Not everyone agreed on all the business at hand and there were times of tension when the vote was so close people asked for a roll call.

Unlike what takes place often in our schools, systems, and profession, as the largest democratic voting body in the United States, I feel the floor always allows for all voices to be heard and ideas/ feelings to be expressed.  As a body, WE make the decisions for what our professional organization, the NEA, will stand for, fight for, and create for our kids and our profession.

That leads me to call you to action with me because our work is never finished at the close of the last business session.  It is just the beginning so here is what you can do:

1. STOP apologizing for speaking up! YOU are an educated, passionate professional who KNOWS what your students and their families actually need! Don’t allow others- who are NOT in your class- make you feel bad for doing what is right for our kids!
2. Be the LOUDEST voice and find others who will stand beside you to use their voices! Insist that not only do you need to be heard but your concerns and ideas need to be answered in the best interest of kids.
3. Engage in your NEA local and state association activities! Systemic change can and will happen when you are part of the transformation.  YOU are the association and the association is only as successful as those willing to engage in the work that needs to be done.

One last thought… as practitioners, we know reflection is important. We also know that action speaks louder than words.  So as you reflect and prepare for your classroom and students this summer/fall, reflect and prepare for your profession too!!  Reach out to your local and state leaders in YOUR association and commit to action as part of your professional growth, commitment to your students, and dedication to education.  Don’t just wish for things to get better, make them better!