My 47th Wish

This month I turned 47… and like many birthdays I woke up counting my blessings. Yet, unlike many years before, my mindset about how I should live the next year was quite different. My birthday wish had changed too…

For so long I wished for things for other people… for many years I wished for better health for my Mom. I wished for my Dad to get a new truck that ran without daily repairs and a job that paid better without such laborious long hours. I wished for them to have enough money to pay their bills and my Mom’s medical bills. I wanted them to have enough food to fill their bellies. And I wished for them to get along together as they constantly fought.

For my sister, I wished for her to see her own worth and accept nothing less than genuine love. I wanted her dreams to come true no matter if they were big or small. I wanted her to feel her heart filled with passion and experience her hard work pay off.

Wishes for me were always about losing weight to be accepted by others, and feel better about myself. I wished to meet all the big goals that I had set for myself that were intended to prove to others I was an accomplished educator and a professional who could do it all. I was always searching for acceptance to feel like I was enough to someone.

For forty-six years my wishes weren’t vain, selfish, or materialistic ( except maybe when I was younger and loved unicorns, bikes, and barbies) but many of my wishes were wasted on misguided perceptions of how the world should work. I mean a simple wish should change the world, right?!

Wrong. Wishes don’t change things… actions do! And my 46th trip around the sun has taught me a lot – the hard way.

Last year was filled with chronic illnesses that could not be identified or understood by some of the best doctors in my region. My troubles actually started over two years ago, but spiraled quickly out of control this past year. I was sick more often than not… with extreme bouts of fatigue. Never ending stomach pain, cramping, nausea, and diarrhea that gave no warning it was coming. Vomiting. Rashes and flushing. Aches and pains like I had been in my 80’s. Day to day I didn’t know what to expect next. My whole life changed and in ways that made me feel hopeless for awhile.

I had people who judged me – who didn’t take me seriously or thought I was just faking it. I had to drastically change my eating habits, my sleeping habits, and my daily routines. Seeing doctors became regular…. and I had more tests than I can remember or name. All would be negative… no signs of Crohn’s, colitis, gall bladder disease, thyroid issues. Two colonoscopies in a year…. four stool tests in six months, endoscopy, etc…. In the mix they did find cryptosporidium but after treatment only some of my issues were resolved…. the explosive, temperamental gastro issues still linger.

Finally, they gave me a med this summer that has slowed down the over active intestines that can wreck havoc on a perfectly good day. So instead of everyday being totally washed I get some really good days intermixed with the bad.

I have changed my diet drastically- no gluten, corn, beef, garlic, onions, beans, etc…. I have also changed my outlook… I may never find an answer but I won’t stop trying to find a solution that works better than what I have. I may have moments I feel horrible, but I will find a reason to laugh and to count my blessings. I will not allow a chronic illness defeat me or kill my spirit. I will live life as fully as I possibly can, knowing some days I will fly and others I just might need to be grounded to remember that I am only human.

My wish is simple for my 47th birthday- Have a full life! To feel alive I must do the things I am passionate about and spend time with those who love me, make me laugh, and stand beside me in good and tough times. My mindset is focused on love, peace, creativity, and self- care. I plan to celebrate love, practice self-care, continue to make healthy choices, and do the things that bring me joy. This year my birthday wish will be actions I can control and challenges I can change for a better trip around the sun. I hold all the keys to have love, peace, creativity, and self- care in my life! And it’s about time that I finally realized that I am enough….